Tuesday, July 1, 2014

מאנה להנחם- Looking for comfort

It is over. The three boys Gilad, Naftali and Eyal have been found, albeit not alive. And although we all feared this outcome, it still hit hard.
And I am having this love-hate relationship with social media right now. On the one hand, I am checking it incessantly, looking for more updates, watching the funeral and mostly looking for comfort, something to hold on to. On the other hand I am disgusted by the media circus- the incessant updates, the cameras in the grieving parents faces, everyone weighing in and feeling the need to blog and pontificate how they feel and what should be done. Maybe I am no better. After all, here I am blogging too.
But I do not claim to know anything, to have words of comfort. I am just here, trying to make sense of my heavy heart. Resentful of the intrusive media coverage but also thankful for it because it enabled me to watch the funeral from thousands of miles away.
And sad. And yet, as if I cannot stop myself, I find myself going back. To Facebook, Times of Israel and other sites too, hoping I will read something that will help me, be a balm.
And I realize I am trying to escape myself, my pain. Trying to do something, anything, just to distract myself and get away from it, not to feel it. We are so uncomfortable with feelings and discomfort, so we turn outwards to distract ourselves. In yoga and practices of mindfulness, there is a concept of leaning into the discomfort, just being with the pain. For ten seconds one day and maybe a little longer the next. So I am going to try and do that. Turn off the constant updates and social media and just be with the pain, with the realization that we have sustained a heavy loss. That we are a nation united yet so alone on the world stage. That we are hated and people wish us dead. That there are no easy political answers, strategies or solutions.
And also to know that the only way to counter darkness and hate is with light. Amid the pain and darkness we all feel, we need to try to find a way to spread light again. That is the only way forward.
ומחה ה דמעה מעל כל פנים