Blogger has informed me that this past Friday I posted my 100th post on this blog. Not sure if that is a real milestone but it feels like one. What started as a mini-experiment has turned into something I really enjoy and I hope that those of you who read semi-regularly enjoy what I have to say too.
In that spirit, I am asking all of you readers (and I know you are there bec. I have a device that tracks my traffic on this site!!) to share a specific post that you particularly enjoyed and why. You can check the archives for inspiration.
I am even offering a prize for the most original comment- winner gets a hand knit small item of your choosing- think hat, scarf, bookmark, booties, etc. I know it's too hot to be thinking of hats and scarves but trust me, I knit cute things. Just ask my husband and kids. Now go ahead and post!
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Friday, July 9, 2010
Childbirth and Loss
In the recent edition of DONA's quarterly magazine International Doula, there were two interesting articles that dealt with miscarriages and stillbirth. Both writers spoke of their experiences as mothers, dealing with the loss of a pregnancy or a child and how it connected to their work as doulas. The articles struck a cord with me because I have often thought about the interface between pregnancy/childbirth and loss.
Fortunately, most pregnancies and births run smoothly without too much going awry and so the work as a doula is really to be with women and their partners at a joyful time. But there will always be that time when things go wrong and we need to know how to deal with that.
The level of loss can be very different. While some may scoff at it, some woman profoundly feel the loss of the perfect birth they envisioned, whether that was an intervention free birth, a VBAC or a homebirth. More significantly, there is the loss of a pregnancy at an early or a later stage. There is the loss of the dream of the perfect healthy child, that my husband and I experienced personally when our oldest was born with Down syndrome. And, most terrifyingly, the loss of a newborn child.
I am not trying to make a list of all the things that can go wrong. I am sure nobody needs that anxiety and no one should spend their pregnancy worrying about worst-case scenarios. As a birth professional, though,I do need to acknowledge this reality.
I think what is most jarring at these times, is that the couple is expecting pure unadulterated happiness and then that picture was altered in some way. There are so many hopes and dreams bound up with the creation of a new life and it is very hard when this is shattered. Especially when everywhere you look you see women having healthy pregnancies, births and babies, all the things you were yearning for.
I think what is most crucial for doulas at that time is just to be there for the woman. To hear her pain, to allow her to express it and to validate her feelings. So many of us are uncomfortable when others are hurting and so we try to make it better by denying their feelings or offering platitudes such as "you will feel better in a few days" or "you will have another one soon." That may or may not be true. What is true is the pain the woman is feeling at this moment.
Going through that stage of mourning in whatever way is meaningful to the woman and her partner is the only way to get through an intense experience like that. To truly express one's feelings until one is ready to move on. It may take a few days, weeks or months. It may take a year. It is not up to us to dictate when it is time for someone else to "get over it".
I find that my personal experience of loss has been a big source of growth for me. I have learned to deal with difficult things and keep going. There are days, though, when no matter how much I love and cherish my son, I still mourn for my perfect child that could have been. It is a process.
I have also gained a lot of empathy for others. When I, unfortunately, hear of a tragedy, I can tap into my own feelings of loss and, in a small way, understand what someone else is going through. I think these emotions are important to understand my clients and to truly be there for them in a meaningful way.
What I am trying to say is that loss is as much a part of our life experience and life cycle, as birth and growth is, and we need to acknowledge that. And maybe our understanding of pain and loss can make the experience of a new life even more meaningful to us.
On that happy note, have a wonderful shabbos.
Fortunately, most pregnancies and births run smoothly without too much going awry and so the work as a doula is really to be with women and their partners at a joyful time. But there will always be that time when things go wrong and we need to know how to deal with that.
The level of loss can be very different. While some may scoff at it, some woman profoundly feel the loss of the perfect birth they envisioned, whether that was an intervention free birth, a VBAC or a homebirth. More significantly, there is the loss of a pregnancy at an early or a later stage. There is the loss of the dream of the perfect healthy child, that my husband and I experienced personally when our oldest was born with Down syndrome. And, most terrifyingly, the loss of a newborn child.
I am not trying to make a list of all the things that can go wrong. I am sure nobody needs that anxiety and no one should spend their pregnancy worrying about worst-case scenarios. As a birth professional, though,I do need to acknowledge this reality.
I think what is most jarring at these times, is that the couple is expecting pure unadulterated happiness and then that picture was altered in some way. There are so many hopes and dreams bound up with the creation of a new life and it is very hard when this is shattered. Especially when everywhere you look you see women having healthy pregnancies, births and babies, all the things you were yearning for.
I think what is most crucial for doulas at that time is just to be there for the woman. To hear her pain, to allow her to express it and to validate her feelings. So many of us are uncomfortable when others are hurting and so we try to make it better by denying their feelings or offering platitudes such as "you will feel better in a few days" or "you will have another one soon." That may or may not be true. What is true is the pain the woman is feeling at this moment.
Going through that stage of mourning in whatever way is meaningful to the woman and her partner is the only way to get through an intense experience like that. To truly express one's feelings until one is ready to move on. It may take a few days, weeks or months. It may take a year. It is not up to us to dictate when it is time for someone else to "get over it".
I find that my personal experience of loss has been a big source of growth for me. I have learned to deal with difficult things and keep going. There are days, though, when no matter how much I love and cherish my son, I still mourn for my perfect child that could have been. It is a process.
I have also gained a lot of empathy for others. When I, unfortunately, hear of a tragedy, I can tap into my own feelings of loss and, in a small way, understand what someone else is going through. I think these emotions are important to understand my clients and to truly be there for them in a meaningful way.
What I am trying to say is that loss is as much a part of our life experience and life cycle, as birth and growth is, and we need to acknowledge that. And maybe our understanding of pain and loss can make the experience of a new life even more meaningful to us.
On that happy note, have a wonderful shabbos.
Still here
Sorry it's been so quiet here. I have had a busy week and have been contemplating a lot of different topics to post but just haven't gotten around to anything. And right now it is way too late and definitely not the time to start. Stay tuned...
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Homebirth
For those of you who have been up at night worrying about the future of midwifery in New York, I am happy to announce that the Midwifery Modernization Act has passed and now just needs to be signed by the Governor. Homebirth is once again legal in New York.
In that spirit, I would like to share a video of a homebirth that I came across on the lovely internet. This video is part of "A Baby Story" and features an orthodox Jewish couple having their second child at home with the help of , you guessed it, a skilled midwife.
No worries, the filming is done very modestly and there are no close ups of the baby being born. Still a wonderful video that shows how normal and safe homebirth can be. I am including the first part, and the rest of it can be found on youtube. Enjoy!
In that spirit, I would like to share a video of a homebirth that I came across on the lovely internet. This video is part of "A Baby Story" and features an orthodox Jewish couple having their second child at home with the help of , you guessed it, a skilled midwife.
No worries, the filming is done very modestly and there are no close ups of the baby being born. Still a wonderful video that shows how normal and safe homebirth can be. I am including the first part, and the rest of it can be found on youtube. Enjoy!
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Apologies are Hard
In this week's New York Times Magazine, Lisa Belkin has a fascinating piece on apologies. She writes that there have been so many apologies in the media these days, but that many of them seem insincere. She asks what makes an apology really meaningful and then posits some answers.
First of all, there has to be an actual taking of responsibility for one's actions. How many of us like to do the "I'm sorry, but..." routine. I particularly am very good at this. Kind of like- I was wrong but you made me do it or I was wrong but you are wrong too! Not very helpful.
Belkin then writes that when making a sincere apology, there has to be some risk involved. If you take responsibility despite the fact that you may actually face a consequence for doing so, whether it is a monetary fine, anger or humiliation; it shows the person involved that you are sincere and truly regret your actions. People respect that kind of strength.
It really comes down to vulnerability. Nobody likes to admit they are wrong, that they have weaknesses, needs or flaws. I know that I don't. How many of us will truly apologize to our kids when we lose our temper and yell, rather than saying: you were misbehaving so I was justified in yelling. How often do we unconditionally say we are sorry to our spouses.
During the Three Weeks, this might be a good thing to work on. When you do something wrong (which obviously never happens!), take responsibility for your actions. Take a risk and admit you were wrong. Say you are sorry. I can guarantee it will make all the difference to the person involved. And to you too.
And now for something completely unrelated; my little blogger-in-training
First of all, there has to be an actual taking of responsibility for one's actions. How many of us like to do the "I'm sorry, but..." routine. I particularly am very good at this. Kind of like- I was wrong but you made me do it or I was wrong but you are wrong too! Not very helpful.
Belkin then writes that when making a sincere apology, there has to be some risk involved. If you take responsibility despite the fact that you may actually face a consequence for doing so, whether it is a monetary fine, anger or humiliation; it shows the person involved that you are sincere and truly regret your actions. People respect that kind of strength.
It really comes down to vulnerability. Nobody likes to admit they are wrong, that they have weaknesses, needs or flaws. I know that I don't. How many of us will truly apologize to our kids when we lose our temper and yell, rather than saying: you were misbehaving so I was justified in yelling. How often do we unconditionally say we are sorry to our spouses.
During the Three Weeks, this might be a good thing to work on. When you do something wrong (which obviously never happens!), take responsibility for your actions. Take a risk and admit you were wrong. Say you are sorry. I can guarantee it will make all the difference to the person involved. And to you too.
And now for something completely unrelated; my little blogger-in-training
Thursday, July 1, 2010
My Oma
I only have one living grandparent and that is my Oma, my father's mother. She is also the grandparent I am closest to and know the best. We grew up down the block from Oma and she was always at our apartment. We ate shabbos lunch there most weeks and hung out there in the afternoon so my parents could rest. If my parents ever had to go away for a few days, she moved in with us and took care of us.
Oma would bring us cut-up fruit while we were watching TV and go to the park with us to feed the ducks or run around the playground. She had a lot of energy for us, even for my youngest brother, who was born when she was 72. She used to play soccer with him in the hallway of our apartment and use a broom to kick the ball.
We always marveled at her youthfulness and strength. We threw Oma a big bash for her 80th birthday. All the children, grandchildren and great grandchildren flew in for the big event. After that milestone, things slowly started to deteriorate. She became physically weaker and more and more forgetful. Her memory was not as good and she would sometimes get confused and speak to us in Hungarian, the language of her youth. Pretty soon after that, my father and aunt decided to hire an attendant to live with her.
I left home at 15 to attend high school in the US and as I got older, my visits to Vienna ( did I ever mention I am from Vienna? Post for a different day) got less and less frequent. I feel fortunate that Oma was able to attend my wedding in Israel in 2004 when she was already 83. Her attendant came with her and Oma looked great at the wedding. She even danced with me.
Whenever we used to visit Vienna, she would always ask my husband if he was happy, if I was a good wife to him. I always found this amusing because she should have been asking me, her granddaughter, how he was treating me :)
We usually visited once a year and though her memory was failing her and she was more and more confused, Oma met all of my children, including Baby M last summer.
If this post sounds like a eulogy, that is not my intent at all. My Oma is still here with us, 89 years old, though only semi-conscious and with the recent addition of a feeding tube. But the Oma of my youth, the Oma who was such a big part of my growing up is no longer here. I did not recognize her in the frail woman in the wheelchair I saw last summer. She exists only in the memories and stories that my siblings and I will always cherish. But I do hope that when I see her next, I will still be able to conjure up the image of my young Oma, laughing with us, playing Rummy Cube and thoroughly enjoying her 9 grandchildren and now 18 great grandchildren.
If you have a minute, please say a prayer for Leah bat Litsha.
Oma would bring us cut-up fruit while we were watching TV and go to the park with us to feed the ducks or run around the playground. She had a lot of energy for us, even for my youngest brother, who was born when she was 72. She used to play soccer with him in the hallway of our apartment and use a broom to kick the ball.
We always marveled at her youthfulness and strength. We threw Oma a big bash for her 80th birthday. All the children, grandchildren and great grandchildren flew in for the big event. After that milestone, things slowly started to deteriorate. She became physically weaker and more and more forgetful. Her memory was not as good and she would sometimes get confused and speak to us in Hungarian, the language of her youth. Pretty soon after that, my father and aunt decided to hire an attendant to live with her.
I left home at 15 to attend high school in the US and as I got older, my visits to Vienna ( did I ever mention I am from Vienna? Post for a different day) got less and less frequent. I feel fortunate that Oma was able to attend my wedding in Israel in 2004 when she was already 83. Her attendant came with her and Oma looked great at the wedding. She even danced with me.
Whenever we used to visit Vienna, she would always ask my husband if he was happy, if I was a good wife to him. I always found this amusing because she should have been asking me, her granddaughter, how he was treating me :)
We usually visited once a year and though her memory was failing her and she was more and more confused, Oma met all of my children, including Baby M last summer.
If this post sounds like a eulogy, that is not my intent at all. My Oma is still here with us, 89 years old, though only semi-conscious and with the recent addition of a feeding tube. But the Oma of my youth, the Oma who was such a big part of my growing up is no longer here. I did not recognize her in the frail woman in the wheelchair I saw last summer. She exists only in the memories and stories that my siblings and I will always cherish. But I do hope that when I see her next, I will still be able to conjure up the image of my young Oma, laughing with us, playing Rummy Cube and thoroughly enjoying her 9 grandchildren and now 18 great grandchildren.
If you have a minute, please say a prayer for Leah bat Litsha.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
5 Myths about Doulas
I came across this great article on doulas: Why hire a doula- 5 myths debunked.
Full of great information about what a doula does and does not do. For example, a doula does not interfere with the bond between you and your partner. She does facilitate his involvement. A doula can not "save" you from a high-intervention doctor or hospital. She can encourage you to advocate for yourself and to have important conversations with your care-provider before you are in labor. I recommend you read the whole article. And then hire me of course :)
Full of great information about what a doula does and does not do. For example, a doula does not interfere with the bond between you and your partner. She does facilitate his involvement. A doula can not "save" you from a high-intervention doctor or hospital. She can encourage you to advocate for yourself and to have important conversations with your care-provider before you are in labor. I recommend you read the whole article. And then hire me of course :)
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