The Facebook Family

Glennon on momastery posted an interesting article about how we appear to others versus what the reality is.
In the age of social media all most of us see is the glowing pictures of us and our significant others and children smiling, having fun, going on trips- the picture perfect family.
I am a little guilty of this too. I mean when you post pictures like this

and this

how can you not think that all is well in my household? Everyone is dressed nicely and smiling and looking picture perfect.
Sometimes people compliment me about being calm. "You're so calm" they say. "How do you do it?" I smile and say thank you and fight the urge to tell them that I am in fact not always so calm, and that my children know this very well. For example, just last week M was fighting with A and said to her in a serious tone: "Do I have to raise my voice?" Um...who could he have possibly learned that from? My good friend says we are in fact calm. Because we deal with a lot of drama and craziness all day and then eventually we crack. Room for improvement obviously, but we are actually doing quite well.
(For more on appreciating ourselves, check out this post- Thankful for me)
And so people see those happy pictures and they feel badly because that is now what their reality looks like. Glennon believes in honesty and telling everyone what is truly going on, so others will feel less alone.
I hear that to a certain extent but I do believe that family life is private and your disagreements and imperfections do not have to be laid out for all to see. There is somehow a balance that needs to be struck.
So I don't only post the glossy pics. I post pics of my kid passing out on the floor after a major tantrum

of what my apartment looks like at the end of a long day

and other funny, crazy moments.

Because that is life- sometimes it's calm and good and positive vibes all around. Other times it is screaming children, pandemonium and a mom who just wants to get dressed for 5 minutes in peace. What's your take?

Family Time

The theme of our trip has definitely been family so far. We met my parents for breakfast, went swimming at their hotel's pool twice and also saw them on several other occasions. Today I got a babysitter for a few hours and I spent some quality shopping time with my mom.  Not to mention the siblings and cousins we have met at parks or for dinner.
The other side of the family is not being neglected either. Yesterday we saw my husband's brothers and their families and had a fun dinner/playdate with them. We might be having a Sunday BBQ with them as well and are definitely on the calendar for the last shabbos in Israel.
All these get togethers are definitely fun although they are a bit exhausting- trying to coordinate everyone's schedule and getting everyone together in the same place at the same time. But it is totally worth it. All year long I miss having that accessability, the ability to just pick up a phone, get in a cab and see my siblings or parents. Some people are fortunate enough to have close family nearby all year round but for those of us with siblings and parents spanning several countries and continents, it is a bit more complicated. For me, my mom stopping by with a latte or grabbing some pizza with my siblings is a real treat, one I try to savor and enjoy while it lasts.

In the Old City of Jerusalem

Grabbing pizza with my parents

Greetings from the trenches

We are in full-on Pessach mode here. After finishing the bedrooms and bathrooms, last week, I have now moved on to the front of the apartment where the chametz REALLY is ie kitchen, dining room, the couch which my children eat on ALL THE TIME despite my repeated pleas for them not to.
My kids don't know this yet but I am letting them enjoy Pretzels and cheerios for a few more days before they get banished from the house (the food, not the kids obviously!) On Friday, my wonderful cleaning lady is bringing her vacuum so we can tackle the couch and chairs and after that, chametz will be kept to a minimum.
We joke around that Pessach is really two weeks, because I end up getting rid of all the cookies, etc so early and usually "turn over" my kitchen way before Erev Pessach. It's a lot of work but I am sticking with my schedule and hoping to thereby avoid any panicking or marathon cooking/cleaning at the end.

I was talking to some friends and family, many of whom are not going to be home for Pessach and are doing minimal prep. I told them that I am not really jealous/resentful of them going away or "having it easier." My husband grew up going away for Pessach.  While that is definitely one version of "freedom", he is not as familiar with the labor of love, the efforts but also the benefits that go along with being home. To me, making Pessach is part of running a Jewish home. I grew up with that and have very fond memories of Pessach in my parents' house (aka apartment).
There was the preparation before: washing dishes for hours on end in the bathtub comes to mind..although by the end of a long day we were usually soaked and having too much fun and wound up breaking things. The sedarim and meals- the food, the company, the singing. There was the annual trip to the zoo. Not really part of the laws of Pessach, but a strong family minhag nonetheless. And of course, the clean up after- wrapping everything in newspapers and putting it in boxes. I have a vivid memory of one of my sisters labeling the boxes very late at night and writing captions like: "Milchig dishes...and some pots. Who cares?"
While my kids can't really participate in Pessach prep like that, I look forward to sharing this process with them as they get older. Pessach is about family and I do feel a bit sad that our own little family cannot partake of the joy of being with extended family for the holidays. So while I soldier on, with my trusty Bount paper towels and lots of Mr. Clean and Clorox, I know that I am also setting the framework and creating memories of what Pessach means to our little household, hopefully for many years to come.

The year in pictures

Yesterday I finally had the chance to put our family pictures of the last six months or so in photo albums. Even though everything is digital these days,I still like having the pictures printed out and organized chronologically in albums. I love turning the pages and my kids love looking at older albums, seeing how little they once were and naming the people in the pictures.
As I was putting the pictures in, I was marveling at how much my children have each grown and matured over these past months. I loved seeing all the fun activities we did, the great places we had been and their beautiful smiles. I picked out a few good ones for my husband's office, so he can look at our cuties during the day.
I just felt very greatful for my family. With all their craziness and all the crying, whining and spilling and early early wake-ups, I still know I am a lucky mom. It's a great feeling to take into succos- we will definitely have lots of family time over the next 72 hours! Chag Sameach!

Weekend up north

We are back from a whirlwind weekend in the north of Israel with my parents, siblings and nieces and nephews (Total headcount: 13 adults and 13 kids, 9 of whom are 6 and under). Tsfat/Safed is a magical place to spend shabbos.
We had a few glitches here and there but all in all it was chaotic and fun, as predicted. I love that the kids are getting to know their cousins. They are old enough to actually play and interact with them. It is also great that my parents have a chance to spend time with the children, to get to know them and their unique personalities better.
My husband and I realized yet again how much harder it is to watch our children when they are in an unfamiliar place and do not have their set routine. It seems that structure and predictability works well for both parents and children. A, my almost four year old, specifically is having a hard time being away from home. Whenever she gets upset about something, she says, "I don't like this country, I want to go back to New York." Even just being in our rental apartment in Jerusalem seems to be easier for the kids, as that is our temporary base while we are here and more familiar to them.
There were a lot of spills, late nights, and a few episodes of missing children (we lost A once and Y twice- do I get an award for being Supermommy of the year...) but I would do it all again!
It was incredibly HOT today which made our outings a bit more difficult and less enjoyable. On our way back to Jerusalem, we visited the Hula Valley and then a nature park in Beit Shean that houses kangaroos and koala bears. I never knew that there were kangaroos in Israel. Live and learn I guess. As I mentioned, it was interesting but we were too hot to really stay out too long and kept retreating to theair condintioned bus.
Here is a picture of Baby M and me in matching lavender, all sweaty but braving the heat.

The kangaroos (and some random strangers)

Hope everyone is staying cool!

Reflecting on family

I feel so blessed to be here in Israel on vacation. It is an opportunity to relax, recharge my spiritual batteries and to reconnect with family. The family part is very important aspect to this trip.
I am enjoying the normalcy of spending time with them and seeing them everyday. Of meeting my parents for coffee this morning, having a playdate with my brother and his kids in a park, dropping my kids off at my sister's house because the babysitter canceled and I had to be somewhere. Everyone is a short walk or car ride away. It's just so...normal. And it highlights for me how atypical it is to be living so far from family the rest of the year.
I have been living away from family since I was 15. Most of the time I am so used to being on my own that I don't even realize what I am missing. Until we come here and I get a taste of typical family life.
During the year it is hard to be in touch. There is a 7 hour time difference and we all have busy lives. The weekly phone call does not always happen. There is so much to catch up on and there is really no way to cram a year's worth of closeness into 4 weeks. I feel that there are big aspects of my siblings' lives that I am not part of, and vast parts of mine that they don't know. It makes me sad. I guess that is to be expected, though, when you have a large family that is living in different countries and continents.
The goal then is to enjoy the time while it lasts, to use the opportunities to reconnect, for the cousins to play together and get to know each other. And not worry just yet about saying goodbye. I'll have plenty of time to miss them when I am back in NY.

My Oma

I only have one living grandparent and that is my Oma, my father's mother. She is also the grandparent I am closest to and know the best. We grew up down the block from Oma and she was always at our apartment. We ate shabbos lunch there most weeks and hung out there in the afternoon so my parents could rest. If my parents ever had to go away for a few days, she moved in with us and took care of us.
Oma would bring us cut-up fruit while we were watching TV and go to the park with us to feed the ducks or run around the playground. She had a lot of energy for us, even for my youngest brother, who was born when she was 72. She used to play soccer with him in the hallway of our apartment and use a broom to kick the ball.
We always marveled at her youthfulness and strength. We threw Oma a big bash for her 80th birthday. All the children, grandchildren and great grandchildren flew in for the big event. After that milestone, things slowly started to deteriorate. She became physically weaker and more and more forgetful. Her memory was not as good and she would sometimes get confused and speak to us in Hungarian, the language of her youth. Pretty soon after that, my father and aunt decided to hire an attendant to live with her.
I left home at 15 to attend high school in the US and as I got older, my visits to Vienna ( did I ever mention I am from Vienna? Post for a different day) got less and less frequent. I feel fortunate that Oma was able to attend my wedding in Israel in 2004 when she was already 83. Her attendant came with her and Oma looked great at the wedding. She even danced with me.
Whenever we used to visit Vienna, she would always ask my husband if he was happy, if I was a good wife to him. I always found this amusing because she should have been asking me, her granddaughter, how he was treating me :)
We usually visited once a year and though her memory was failing her and she was more and more confused, Oma met all of my children, including Baby M last summer.
If this post sounds like a eulogy, that is not my intent at all. My Oma is still here with us, 89 years old, though only semi-conscious and with the recent addition of a feeding tube. But the Oma of my youth, the Oma who was such a big part of my growing up is no longer here. I did not recognize her in the frail woman in the wheelchair I saw last summer. She exists only in the memories and stories that my siblings and I will always cherish. But I do hope that when I see her next, I will still be able to conjure up the image of my young Oma, laughing with us, playing Rummy Cube and thoroughly enjoying her 9 grandchildren and now 18 great grandchildren.
If you have a minute, please say a prayer for Leah bat Litsha.