10 months

Hard to believe but AY will be turning 10 months on Wednesday.
He is a big boy! In the last two weeks, he has finally gone from creeping on his belly to crawling on all fours consistently. He pulls himself up to stand and is pretty steady on his feet, although not quite letting go.
His favorite new place to play is the bathroom. Primarily splashing in the toilet but also emptying out the garbage, eating dirty tissues and emptying the cabinet beneath the sink. He is definitely exploring a lot. I do not have to do much baby proofing since most of the stuff in our apartment is locked up anyway, but I do need to remember to close the bathroom door. And convince the kids that it is not funny to let him have access to the bathroom.

about to get into stuff again!

AY is happiest when he wakes up in the morning and from his mid-day nap. He smiles and laughs a lot and is babbling quite a bit too. He talks with a certain cadence that makes it sound like he is having a real conversation.
He seems to have adjusted to my being at school twice a week although he does get super excited when I walk through the door. He loves food, particularly bananas and yogurt, like his big brother Y. He gets very excited when he sees food and wants whatever we are having. He has four teeth now and is getting pretty adept at chewing food. We were at an event in the shul on Sunday and one of the other Moms there was amazed that he was having a piece of bagel with cream cheese.
The kids love him but it is not all perfect. A. gets upset because now that AY is mobile, he is touching some of her stuff, which is a big no-no. M seems to be jealous of all the attention he gets and tries to hit him at every opportunity. It's a work in progress, this too shall pass.

a little too much "love"

I wish I had some wise words to share with you for Yom Kippur, but I have not had much time for introspection. Since school and the holidays have started, it has been pretty much go-go-go all the time. What it comes down to in the end though, is a sincere desire to grow and change. The most important part is taking all that passion and turning it into some action, no matter how small. Progress, not perfection, Wishing us all a little bit of progress in the coming year.

Post Yom Kippur Letdown

There is this big build-up to Yom Kippur and in some form, on Yom Kippur we try to be at our best. We fast, we are patient with our children, we try to pray with true concentration and fervor.
And the question is always, what comes after. It's not realistic to sustain it at that level, but can we take some of it with us into the new year.
Today I had a disappointing day. I had had a pretty good fast for most of Yom Kippur, thanks to a great babysitter and a wonderful nap. But then I started feeling unwell for the last hour and a half before the fast ended and spent post Yom Kippur in bed, drinking a lot and resting.
The kids have been waking up very early recently, so I was not entirely surprised to hear Y up around 5 30. But I wasn't jumping out of bed eagerly either. My husband and I both attempted to get him back to bed but by 6 am, M had joined the party as well. I handed them the iPad and stayed in bed for another hour, but still had half an ear out to make sure they were not up to trouble. When I finally got up, I was cranky, which was not helped by the fact that M was cranky and tired as well.  That meant a lot of crying on his part and a lot of irritation on mine.
This spiraled into a morning of sub-prime parenting, involving getting 3 children to Central park for Y's soccer league, chasing Y around a  huge soccer field to make sure he stayed with the group and then running uphill (at 33 weeks pregnant) after M who took off running and didn't look like he was stopping anytime soon.
Needless to say, I was not the paragon of patience and while it may be understandable, it was also disappointing to start our "new slate" this way. The rest of the day got better although I still found myself snapping at the kids at different points.
 I know I did not change dramatically in 24 hours but it's depressing to feel like it's just "same old".  In truth, the hard work starts now...you don't just magically become more patient. You need to work on it. I guess there is always tomorrow.

Corrections

I just wanted to point out that I made a mistake in my previous post. That is what happens when you try and post deep Torah thoughts without looking them up.
Kapara refers to the atonement for specific sins we have committed. Tahara is the process of repairing our relationship with G'd and the negative impact sin has had on our soul.
I hope I did not confuse anyone too much. I will also go back and correct the original post but just wanted to make sure everyone sees this revision.
I guess it is good practice for Yom Kippur, to publicly state that I was wrong, without offering up excuses. One of the classes I listened to mentioned this point. How difficult it is for us to say that we were wrong, especially without any qualifiers- it was a mistake, they provoked me, I did not understand, etc
My husband will be the first to tell you that I am very good at rationalisations and not taking responsibility for my actions. So to counteract this trait, I am offering a public apology now, to anyone I may have offended with my blogposts or even IRL (in real life), as they say. I hope you will find it within your heart to forgive me.
Wishing you an easy and meaningful fast, and again a gmar tov.

Taking time out to think

I have had some time over the past week to listen to some more classes about Yom Kippur and Teshuva in general. I found them helpful, but I am starting to realize that rather than keep listening to more and more classes, I should just take some time to reflect and make goals.
I think I mentioned this idea in my Rosh Hashana post- unfortunately, I have yet to do that. I was talking to my mom, and she told me that she went on her yearly trip to a tzaddik's gravesite in Germany with her friends (story for another time) this week. They spent  about two hours there, just praying and thinking. She said it was very powerful to have time out to just think without any phone or other distractions.
While I am not about to go flying off to Germany, I am hoping to take some time and recreate those conditions. No laptop, no phone, just me and a notebook.
Some questions to ponder:
- What are some accomplishments and things I am proud of this year? What actions am I not as proud of ?
- What are some small and concrete changes I can make that are conducive to growth?
- What are my spiritual goals for the year?
- What are some improvements that need to be made in the realm of relationships- spouse, children, family, etc
I am sure there are more, but it seems like this is a good start.
What I have been pondering in my spare time is R Soloveichik's essay on Tahara and Kapara. It is one of my favorite ideas about teshuva and one that I return to (no pun intended) every year. He writes that sin actually affects our essence and even once we achieve "kappara", atonement for what we have done, there is still a deeper level of teshuva that we need to do. The teshuva of tahara is about repairing our relationship with G'd and trying to undo the negative spiritual effect our actions have had on us. This is a very deep idea and not easy at all. I truly believe, though, that if  we really want to change, it has to be beyond the level of action, but rather at the level of pursuing a real relationship with G'd, whatever that may mean to us.
Okay, getting off my soapbox now. This was actually really helpful in clarifying things for myself. I hope it sparked some thoughts for you as well. Gmar Chasima Tova
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Yom Kippur

I was just posting about Rosh Hashana and here we are, Yom Kippur starts tomorrow night and I feel unprepared. In an attempt to keep my commitment to become more growth-oriented I have been listening to some Torah classes online and have come up with some sort of plan:
1) Commit to one small change and then really follow through (based on a class by Rabbi Leib Kelemen), although I have yet to decide what that change will be
2) Accept where I am in life as my tafkid, my role. Rebbetzen Yemima Mizrachi spoke about Yom Kippur as being a day of Teshuva. And part of Tshuva, is to stop running away from our tafkid, like Yona did. We always think we know better than G'd, as if He made a mistake when he gave us that job/child/illness, or any other challenge we may not like. Only once we accept ourselves and our roles as women, wives and mothers can we start working on ourselves in a meaningful way.
Lots to think about and pray for in the coming days. Looking forward to being inspired by my husband's speeches as well.
Wishing everyone a gmar chatima tova and an easy and meaningful fast.
PS: I realize that I haven't really posted anything doula or birth-related recently. Having been in Israel for a month and then getting ready for school and the chagim hasn't really left much time for this part of my life.But I have been doing some interesting reading and hope to share some thoughts with you in a week or two. Stay tuned!