Tired

More than studying, tedious lectures and spending 12 agonizing hours at boring hospital clinicals, my kids have a tendency to really really frustrate me and wear me out over the weekend. It's a lot of time to spend together. Our apartment is a nice size but still not big enough for four active kids. And somehow there are always toys and clothes and food everywhere. Then I clean up and a little while later the scenario repeats itself. I know I am not unique in this but it is tiring and draining. And to ask my kids a hundred times not to eat outside of the kitchen or dining room table and still find food and crumbs everywhere.
And to have my two year old cling to me and refuse to go to sleep unless I sit next to him or he has his head in my lap or his feet on my arms or is in some way still connected to me. To have him insist on accompanying me to the laundry room every single time even when another adult is home. To have him grab my cell phone when I am in the middle of writing a semi-important email because he needs to see "pictures" or say hi to an imaginary person on the line.
It tires me out. It makes me a tad irrational and cranky and short tempered. And definitely not speaking in my calm, smoothing super mommy voice.
But it's okay. Raising kids is hard. And tiring. And never ending. And a blessing I complain about and take for granted way too often. So I accept myself where I am at in this cranky state and say my favorite line: "Tomorrow is a new day!"

The crew on the bus today....not sure the other passengers enjoyed our loud company

Closed for Studying

I am busy memorizing muscles for Wednesday and then have a final on Thursday, so I will not be updating.
Here are some links about feminism/ women working/opting out to keep you busy.

1% wives are helping kill feminism

Why women can't have it all

Are Stay at Home Moms Really Killing Feminism

The Case against Opting Out

As you can see  this topic is of interest to me. So many thoughts, so little time...maybe on Thursday when I am (finally) done!

Creating memories

I wrote a bit about this in my last post before Pessach, but I just keep coming back to this idea.
Obviously, you can create loving associations and work on your relationship with your children on any given day.
But somehow, there are certain times of the year that just seem to be more conducive to it. A holiday with lots of family meals and time off from work and school just seems like the perfect time to kick it up a notch. So these past few days, we have been really trying to focus on the kids. We had two very kid-centric seders. Even though we had other guests at one seder, the kids really were the focus of the evening.
We have also been eating dinner together as a family, which does not usually happen so much during our regular schedule. The kids seem to really be enjoying this, which makes me think we should try to make family dinner happen more often.
And then there are the trips. This year there are many days of Chol Hamoed which means there is lots of time for outings. And while I do not think that bigger is always better and that we have to go all out financially, I do think it is nice for the kids to do some activities that are a little different. So Monday we went to the Central Park Zoo. The kids really enjoyed checking out all the different animals and other than M having a little melt-down on the bus home because he was exhausted, it went very smoothly.
Today we decided to be really ambitious and took the subway to Brooklyn to a special Pessach concert featuring Uncle Moishy and Miami Boys Choir. It was a little bit of a trek and I was worried how Y was going to handle the noise and crowds, but again, it really went well. The subway ride was uncomplicated and not too long and all the kids loved the music. Y stayed seated for almost the entire show and only got scared at one point during a magic show. Baby AY slept through almost the whole thing! Seeing their faces light up with joy when their favorite songs were played and their general excitement about the concert made it all worth it.

Y and M with their hero Uncle Moishy

We came home, tired but satisfied. The next two days will be spent with more local, low-key acitivites but it was just so nice to be able to give the children these great experiences. I do hope it is something they remember and that they will associate Pessach with fun and family time.
I know that all the fun during these weeks does not substitute for mindful, conscious parenting all year round, but I do see it as an important supplement, a small infusion of quality and quantity time. Do you agree? What have you been doing? Any exciting trips?

This too shall pass

As a parent, one of the first things you learn is that your child will go through many different phases. Nursing every two hours, teething, throwing food, whatever you're dealing with, it is most likely a stage.
The problem is, when you are living it, you can get very discouraged and feel like it will never end.
Just a few weeks ago, I was speaking to a new mom whose 7 week old baby was colicky and not sleeping much. When I told her that things pass and get better, I could see that she did not believe me. She wanted to, but she was so caught up in the here and now that she could not imagine another reality.
I am trying to keep this in mind as I am going through a new stage with Baby AY. He is usually a pretty good sleeper but this past week he has been wanting to be nursed and snuggled with for 45 minutes to an hour in order to fall asleep. And he has been having trouble staying asleep, waking more often at night. I am not sure what is behind this stage- teething, growth spurt, no reason at all. It does not matter why, it is just really bad timing with Passover less than a week away (!!) and nights being my prime time to get things done. But truthfully it is never a good time to be sleep deprived.
So while intellectually, I am thinking "It's a phase, he will get over it," emotionally I have kind of had it. I mean I love to snuggle with him, he is very yummy but every night from 8 30 to 9 30 is a bit much. People often say, "enjoy every minute, they grow so fast'. It is true, they are growing super fast, but that does not mean that every second is enjoyable. Honestly, some parts of parenting are just not fun. Toilet-training, tantrums and vomit are just a few things that come to mind. While we cherish some moments, there are other times where we cannot wait for a day/month/stage to be OVER.
 So I just keep repeating to myself- this too shall pass. One day he will sleep six or more hours straight. One day Y and M will be fully trained and there will be no more daily loads of wet pants and underwear. Until then, I will just try to be patient and focus on the good stuff.
Update- I started this post three days ago. It took me awhile to finish it and I am happy to report that I have found a solution to AY's nightly nursing marathons. After lying down with him and feeding him for about fifteen minutes, I transfer him into his crib with a pacifier (which he is finally agreeing to take) and his Aden and Anais swaddle cloth (I found another good use for them). Not sure if he likes holding it because it smells like me, like breastmilk or because it is soft, but this seems to do the trick. This only works if he has nursed enough and he is really ready to sleep but problem solved for now. On to the next stage:)

Kids Update

I cannot believe M's hair is all gone. He is very proud to have a big boy haircut although not so interested in wearing a kippa yet. He cooperated very well at the barber and does not seem to miss his hair at all.
I on the other hand am a bit sad. I miss his beautiful hair. He looks very cute with his new hairdo but I think I need some time to get used to it.

The funniest part of the Upsherin happened when M was singing a song for the crowd. Y was sitting next to him and wanted in on the action. So M turns to him and said "No, Y, it's not your birthday!" I am glad he was able to assert himself.
The boys were home yesterday for MLK Day. It was freezing so we stayed indoors most of the day. The boys actually played really well together and kept each other busy. We did venture out for a quick trip to see animals at the pet store and for some treats at Dunkin Donuts. A's semester break starts on Thursday. She will be off from school for 10 days. I am hoping to spend some quality time with her and take her on some girly trips that she does not usually get to do with her brothers.
Speaking of quality time, A had a special pajama party at school yesterday. Parents and students in kindergarten were invited to come back to the school at 5. We made an art project, had pizza and ice cream for dinner and then the parents were treated to a performance by the kids. They sang several songs and did a wonderful job. The evening ended with a slideshow with pictures of the kids. It was a very cute evening and A. was super excited about it.

A. enjoying her ice cream

My only complaint was that the event was scheduled from 5 to 7, smack in the middle of our dinner/bath routine. But my husband did an admirable job of holding down the fort with the boys at home.
I took this little man along though, because I have not introduced him to a bottle yet. He slept through the whole evening, which worked out very well! 

spiky hairdo- ready to start growing his hair...

Update on Y will have to wait for another post. But speaking of kids, I wanted to share an article that has been making the rounds online about parenting. In Don't Carpe Diem, the author argues that it is hard to enjoy every minute of parenting but the end result is worth it, as are the magical moments with our kids that happen ever so often. I'd be curious to hear your thoughts...

Wanted: Sleep

Like I mentioned in a previous post, I do not function very well without sleep. And recently, our kids have not been very forthcoming on that front. Ironically, it is not even the baby who is keeping us up, at least not an unreasonable amount. I could deal with the nighttime nursing if I did not also have to contend with the other kids' antics.
For the past few months, Y has been having trouble falling asleep at night. Then he started waking up earlier and earlier, some days 5 am or 5 30. 6 30 is a good day. Sometimes for fun he would wake M up too.
My husband and I are both not early risers or morning people so we would let them play on their own while we tried to sleep, with often disastrous consequences- cocoa powder all over the couch, Pam sprayed all over our wood floors, spilled juice, etc.
Then a few weeks ago, M started waking up in the middle of the night too. One morning I found him watching videos glassy-eyed at 6 30 am. When I took away the iPad (note to self, don't leave entertainment sitting out for the kids to access on their own), he announced that he was going to bed. Within 30 seconds he was sleeping and he slept for three hours that morning, which led me to believe that he has been up for several hours in the middle of the night, watching Barney or Fireman Sam.
Last night was the last straw. I woke up in the middle of the night to the sounds of the boys laughing and playing. I assumed it was early morning and asked my husband to check on them. Whereupon we discovered that it was actually 2 30 am, not even remotely a time to wake up. It took two attempts to get Y back to bed...
This morning I was tired and cranky and decided that this has to stop. I spoke to the pediatrician, who said it was probably connected to a growth spurt or acquiring a new skill. She encouraged me to make strict rules about staying in bed, not waking the others and not making a mess. She also said we could try Melatonin as it works for some kids.
The problem is, Y does not really follow rules. Sometimes I am not sure if he does not understand them or just chooses to ignore them. He does not always understand rewards and consequences either, especially when they are more abstract and not immediate. So the next step is to speak to a behavioral specialist who can help us set appropriate limits for him with good reinforcers/consequences that are meaningful for him and will motivate him to comply. This is something I have been wanting to do for a while anyway in other realms such as safety awareness and sibling interactions but the sleep issue has finally gotten this project to the top of my "to-do" lists. I will report back once we have a plan in place, in case it could be helpful for others.
In the meantime, here is to hoping for a quiet night on all fronts.

This is How I Do It- Expanded Version

Here are my secrets to keeping it all (or most of it) together. For more suggestions, check out Ellen's guest bloggers at Love That Max.

1) Sleep/Self-Care
Here is a fact about me: I need a lot of sleep to function. Some people I know (including my husband) can run on 6 or less hours but I have found that I need at least 7 or 8 in order to feel like a human being. If I do not sleep enough, I am cranky, impatient and everybody suffers.
My children are lively and full of energy and in order to keep up with them, I need to sleep. A lot. So I do. Now with a newborn, getting sleep is obviously a bit trickier but I am trying to go to sleep early and also to take naps when I can.
For me, making sure I sleep is part of taking care of myself and making sure my needs get met. Because if I am running on empty, I can't give to all the members of my family, special needs or not, who need something for me. Along the same lines, I try to carve out time for myself (ie yoga/knitting/blogging),to have date nights with my husband, etc but my number one necessity is sleep.

2) Help-
When Y was first born, I felt like I had to do it all by myself or I was not a "good" mother. And for a while I did. Then A. was born 15 months later and I still thought I had to do it all. After all, as a stay-at-home mom this was my "job" so I was responsible to do it. A few mini-breakdowns later, I learned my lesson. I may be the mom, but it's okay to delegate or outsource some tasks. I started having some cleaning help, then a few hours of babysitting and I have not looked back.
 Well that is not entirely true. Every once in a while I feel badly that I need to rely on the help of others so much, whether volunteer or paid. Then I remind myself that I have four kids aged 6.5 and under, one of whom has special needs and little to no safety awareness, one of whom is a preschooler with no impulse control or safety awareness, one of whom is an infant and one of whom is fairly typical while still a stubborn drama queen. So if I  cannot take all of them to the park or supermarket by myself for the next few weeks or months, that is okay.
My husband is busy with his job, my parents and siblings are across the ocean and my in-laws travel a lot, which often means if I need help, I need to hire someone (or every once in a while find some good-hearted volunteers). We are fortunate to qualify for some funding to pay for care for Y., so that alleviates some of the financial burden, but I strongly believe that at certain times, hiring a babysitter is a necessity and not a luxury.
Here are some times I enlist help for the sake of my sanity:
- The 4 to 6 pm afternoon rush- pick-ups from school, Hebrew school, After-school activities, homework, dinner, baths, etc. Need I say more?
- Doctors or therapy appointments: I only take the child that has the appointment, the rest stay home with a sitter. I have a hard enough time keeping one kid entertained in a waiting room, I am not about to show up with my whole crew. Plus the appointment can double as some alone-time with that child.
- Going to shul: Y is prone to wandering off, so I need someone solely focused on him.
- Hosting large quantities of guests for Shabbos meals: I cannot serve food and take care of my kids' needs at the same time, not to mention the possibility of actually sitting down, eating and talking to our guests.

3) I don't do it all-
There are only so many hours in a day, especially if you are sleeping for 7 or 8 of them! Sometimes things don't get done, sometimes they are forgotten or pushed off. Sometimes I am just plain lazy and do not want to do whatever it is that needs to get done. Sometimes my children and I need a break from working on goals/play skills or whatever else is on the agenda. Calls are not made or appointments are missed.  Children are still not toilet-trained. But that is okay. I am trying to do the best that I can with the tools that I have. Tomorrow is another day. And the day after that is too.

So this is how I do it. I sleep, I ask for help and sometimes I take a break and just don't do it. Caffeine and chocolate also play a large part. What are your tips and tricks for getting it all done and staying sane?

One-on-One Time with my Oldest

Today is apparently Veteran's Day which means yet another day off for Y. When I told him he was not going to school today, he looked at me with his cute face and in a hopeful way said "Park?" Like any boy, Y loves running around and misses not being able to go out to play after school, now that he gets home so late and the weather is turning cold.
The playground had not really been on my agenda for this morning but then I realized, that I have a pretty light schedule. We decided not to have company this week and my food was all cooked except for the cholent.
So after folding one load of laundry and washing two more, we headed out to take M to school. Y was excited to see his old preschool and we went to visit his Morah. They actually offered to have him come back for shabbos party and pizza lunch, but I decided the logistics of it would be too complicated.
Then we went to a playground near school that Y likes. It has a basketball court and we spent some time trying to shoot some hoops. Y was insisting that I shoot the ball, because he could not reach. What he did not realize is that he picked the wrong person for basketball :) His Abba or his aunt in Israel are much more likely to score than me.
Then he ran around the playground for a bit more while I watched and cheered him on. Soon enough we were both too cold to stay. We went to the supermarket nearby to pick up some things for shabbos. Y was excited because he got to ride the escalator, plus he wheeled the basket and helped me put the food on the conveyor belt when we were paying.
Our whole outing was only about an hour but it was nice to spend some time alone with Y, something I realize I do not get to do very often. Now we are home and back to our own schedules, but I am glad I was able to fit this in.
Have a wonderful shabbos!

On Parenting and Self-Esteem

On Wednesday morning, I had the opportunity to attend a parenting class by Slovie Jungreis-Wolff, daughter of Esther Jungreis and author of Raising a Child with Soul. I bought the book a while ago, but never really had a chance to read it.
This is the first time I heard her speak and I enjoyed it very much. She is an engaging speaker and she had some interesting things to say. I find that with parenting, much of the advice is intuitive. We kind of know what we should be doing, although we do not always act on it. So, while nothing Slovie said was particularly new to me, it is still good to hear these ideas over and over again.
Her focus was on self-esteem. She said we should praise our children for doing rather than being. Praise and encourage them for specific things rather than just tell them that they are amazing,beautiful, etc.  From a young age give them little jobs and make them feel like they can contribute and be successful.
Slovie also spoke about the disservice we do to our children by being "Helicopter Parents" who solve every challenge and problem that comes our child's way. No parent wants to see their child suffer or struggle, but in truth, that is the only way they will acquire skills for life. You are still there for them, listening to their frustrations and available to help if they really cannot manage on their own. But first let them have a chance to work on it, that is truly the best way to learn. This applies across the board- to toddlers learning how to dress or feed themselves, school age children doing home-work and teenagers with their myriad of challenges.
All of this rang very true to me. This second point also reminded me of an article I had read in The Atlantic this past summer entitled How to Land your Kid in Therapy. Lori Gottlieb, the author, argues that modern parents' attempts at fixing the previous generation's parenting mistakes by overcompensating and always giving our children yet more and more has backfired. It has not led to happier children. Because kids who never learn about disappointment, kids who get a trophy for just showing up to a sports competition because "everyone is a winner" are in for a shock when they enter the real world, when Mommy and Daddy cannot protect them anymore.
As she says: " We can try to protect them from nasty classmates and bad grades and all kinds of rejection and their own limitations, but eventually they will bump up against these things anyway. In fact, by trying so hard to provide the perfectly happy childhood, we’re just making it harder for our kids to actually grow up. Maybe we parents are the ones who have some growing up to do—and some letting go."
So basically, parenting and finding the right balance is hard work. Which I am guessing you already knew. But really, by working on ourselves and trying to continually improve in our parenting, we are also teaching our children important lessons. That everyone makes mistakes, that it is okay to fail and try again and that a little bit of struggle is good for everyone and will ultimately make you happier than the "perfect" life.

Food for thought- do you agree?

Post Yom Kippur Letdown

There is this big build-up to Yom Kippur and in some form, on Yom Kippur we try to be at our best. We fast, we are patient with our children, we try to pray with true concentration and fervor.
And the question is always, what comes after. It's not realistic to sustain it at that level, but can we take some of it with us into the new year.
Today I had a disappointing day. I had had a pretty good fast for most of Yom Kippur, thanks to a great babysitter and a wonderful nap. But then I started feeling unwell for the last hour and a half before the fast ended and spent post Yom Kippur in bed, drinking a lot and resting.
The kids have been waking up very early recently, so I was not entirely surprised to hear Y up around 5 30. But I wasn't jumping out of bed eagerly either. My husband and I both attempted to get him back to bed but by 6 am, M had joined the party as well. I handed them the iPad and stayed in bed for another hour, but still had half an ear out to make sure they were not up to trouble. When I finally got up, I was cranky, which was not helped by the fact that M was cranky and tired as well.  That meant a lot of crying on his part and a lot of irritation on mine.
This spiraled into a morning of sub-prime parenting, involving getting 3 children to Central park for Y's soccer league, chasing Y around a  huge soccer field to make sure he stayed with the group and then running uphill (at 33 weeks pregnant) after M who took off running and didn't look like he was stopping anytime soon.
Needless to say, I was not the paragon of patience and while it may be understandable, it was also disappointing to start our "new slate" this way. The rest of the day got better although I still found myself snapping at the kids at different points.
 I know I did not change dramatically in 24 hours but it's depressing to feel like it's just "same old".  In truth, the hard work starts now...you don't just magically become more patient. You need to work on it. I guess there is always tomorrow.

Being Calm in Different Scenarios

We have had a busy weekend, which included a trip to the ER for Y on Thursday night as well as the shades in my living room coming crashing down on Friday afternoon.
Y was feeling fine all Thursday and then woke up around 11 15 pm with heavy croup and difficulty breathing. When the usual tricks- steaming up the bathroom- didn't really work, our neighbor who is an EMT called us an ambulance and off we went to the pediatric ER.
Riding in an ambulance was a first for me and even though Y seemed very out ot it at the time, he clearly was aware of what was going on. He keeps talking about the fire truck and asking when he can ride it again :)
The EMTs gave him oxygen and saline on the ride over so by the time we got to the hospital, he was feeling much better and his breathing had returned to normal. The doctor there still gave him a dose of steroids to be sure, because croup usually takes a few days to get out of one's system and she did not want him to have another episode. Since then he has been coughing a bit, but otherwise acting pretty normal. It is amazing how kids bounce back. By the time we left the hospital at close to 2 am, he was in a great mood, chattering incessantly and wide awake.
What struck me about the whole incident is that I was able to stay very calm throughout. I matter of factly tried to help him breathe in the shower, packed our bag with snacks, reading material and insurance information and tried to keep Y comfortable in the ambulance when he was getting agitated because of the oxygen mask. I am not really trying to toot my own horn here, it is just good for me to know that I can stay on top of things in times of crisis.
I have a much harder time, however, staying calm when the crisis is not medical rather instigated by one of our children. On Friday afternoon, the kids were a bit wound up and I was trying to get everyone to lower the volume and play a bit more gently. All of a sudden there was a very large crash. I did not really see exactly what happened but I did see the vertical blinds lying on the floor of our living room, along with the six foot pole they are usually suspended from. A. was standing right next to them and looking quite shocked.
Thank goodness noone got hurt, but I was very upset and not very calm. A. had clearly yanked on the blinds one too many times. And I needed her to understand how dangerous and unacceptable her behavior was. I realized that I was not in a good place and could not discipline her without anger, so I left it to my husband. I guess we each have our own strenghts and he is better at keeping a cool head in situations like this whereas the medical stuff is more my forte...
The blinds are still sitting on the floor, because I could not get anyone to come fix them over the weekend. The children also managed to decorate them with yogurt but that is a story for a different time. The lesson of the weekend is maybe that parenting is challenging in many different ways and you never know what life is going to throw at you.
On a semi-related note, The Feminist Breeder has an interesting post on parenting/discipline and how other people judge us unfavorably most of the time.  I actually  related to a lot of what she was saying. If you have a minute, read her thoughts. I would be curious to know if you agree with her.

Solo Parenting

This week I am holding down the fort on my own again. My husband is in Israel for work until Friday.  This has become a yearly trip that I am used to already and know to expect. But being alone always evokes all kinds of feelings for me, not all of them positive. I have posted about them in the past.It's not that I feel like I cannot take care of the kids on my own, because I do so for most of the week anyway. I do appreciate my husband's help when he is around but I don't rely on it, so being a one-woman show doesn't usually throw me that much (unless there are 2 feet of snow on the ground but that is a different story!) The difficulty is  mostly about feeling isolated and disconnected. Hanging out with my kids all day is fun and chaotic but it doesn't fulfill my need for interaction with adults. In general, I try to be extra kind to myself at these times- ordering take-out for dinner one night or taking a babysitter for a morning or an evening, so I can have some space, do errands or meet friends.Sunday is really the hardest day and now that I have successfully navigated today, I am hoping the rest of the week will be smooth as well. Being that G'd has a good sense of humor, though, I should not be too confident.A is finally going back to school tomorrow and I am planning on doing lots of cleaning this week. I am hoping to tackle the kids' bedroom/playroom and am a little frightened of what I may find...this is a room that needs some serious Pessach-work so I have a allotted myself a whole week to deal with it. I read an interesting (yet obvious) idea this week in Mishpacha magazine about common misconceptions about Pessach. The author wrote that many women feel that cleaning properly is impossible. They think it is overwhelming, that they cannot rise to the challenge and they will surely make mistakes. The author reminds us that G'd gave Pessach to human beings. He knows we are not perfect. We all try to do the best we can and even if we do mess up, there are competent rabbis who can help us rectify the situation. Something to think about when I find whole pieces of bagels and other goodies hidden amongst my children's toys.How is it going with your Pessach cleaning? Any inspiring thoughts?



On the Potty Front

It's funny that Ellen at Love That Max has just posted about toilet training because that is a hot topic in our home these days. After many false starts and failed attempts, we (meaning me) are finally getting serious about getting Y out of pull-ups. They have been taking him to the bathroom consistently at school for the past few months and he seems to be catching on. I was kind of procrastinating because a) the thought of having to take him to the bathroom every 30 min was just too overwhelming b) I didnt think he could do it c) I didnt think I could do it! And the thought that even if we succeed there will probably be many accidents along the way and all those times we are out and he will have to go, and what if he is on the bus, or in shul, or....
But I realized that I need to get my act together. While in some weird way it is almost easier for me to keep him in diapers, it is obviously not what is best for him.
So Project Potty it is for the past 2 days. We have been pretty successful. Most times he will agree to go, others we have to convince/cajole/bribe him with stickers/videos/choclate chips. But we are getting there. If he continues to do well, I may even consider ramping it up and putting him in underwear for a trial run.
Baby M has also decided that he is ready to go to the toilet...except not really. He just sits there and doesn't make...but then he demans a sticker just like his brother. He also wants to wear pull-ups, a request I am denying simply because pull-ups are more expensive and there is no reason for him to be wearing them at this point. But I am indulging him by letting him sit on the potty as much as he wants even if it drives me crazy.
He just turned two and I dont really think he could be trained at this point but I am happy that he has awareness and knows about the potty. Another advantage to being a younger child.
This is definitely a post for mommies only...not sure who else would want to read all about toilet troubles. So I apologize if this all seems like oversharing.
Any toilet training going on in your house? Any horror stories you would like to share? Feel free to comment!

Parenting- a full time job

Since I have been home from vacation, I have been busy meeting with the kids teachers. We are discussing  tweaking their schedules, good techniques for disciplining, effective and appropriate consequences, playdates, validating feelings, etc. It seems the list of things to work on with kids is never-ending.
My husband and I were discussing the other day how much time and effort it takes to be a good parent. Aside from the physical needs of running a household: meals, laundry, clean-up, errands, etc there is another whole dimension we don't always talk about. The fact that we are rasing little people who are slowly but surely turning into big people! And along the way we need to ensure that they feel loved, respected and self-confident. We need to teach them appropriate ways to interact with others, boundaries, safety, a love of religion and life- the list goes on and on.  These lessons don't happen in long lectures or heart-to-heart talks, although that may be part of it as the kids get a bit older.
These values are imparted slowly and daily through our interactions and choices. Do we react to misbehavior with off-the-cuff anger or do we think about the best way to communicate our disappointment.
You can be home with your children, but are you really there, are you present emotionally? What I find so difficult is that you are always "on" and it is so so hard to be constantly mindful and present. In the moment, it seems impossible  to think beyond the fact of "This child is annoying me and if they don't stop this second I will scream!" to a more measured and appropriate response.
And of course, like in everything in life, balance is important. We can't be the perfect parents all the time and we cannot expect that of ourselves. But it is a goal we should be working toward. We should be reading books, taking classes, discussing with their teachers, thinking about it and formulating plans. Because it's not just about the apple juice on the floor for the fourth time that day...it's about your child's sense of self as well.
And now I am going to take my own advice and be with my children who are clamoring for attention!

Pregnancy and giving

'Biggest Loser' trainer Jillian Michaels has worked hard for her fit figure and she won't ruin her body for anything -- not even a baby. Michaels tells Women's Health (via Huffington Post) in a new interview: "I'm going to adopt. I can't handle doing that to my body. Also, when you rescue something, it's like rescuing a part of yourself."
The previous paragraph is from a gossip website called popeater. This statement was made a few days ago and has been circulating the web, making people think, including me.
I have been thinking that having children is all about self-less giving, and that giving starts before a child is even born, during a woman's pregnancy.
Being pregnant is really the ultimate preparation for a lifetime of giving that parenting involves. A woman has to physically share her body with her unborn child- sharing oxygen, nutrition and letting the baby take up precious space. She will have aches and pains connected to her weight gain, possible nauseau and fatigue, and many other accompanying effects.
Once the child is born the giving really begins- feeding, diapering, bathing, being up at night. A lot of the giving is physical at first but there is also the emotional- giving love, attention and time. As the children grow, the emotional needs become stronger. The need for affirmation, affection, respect, etc.
We give of ourselves more than we can ever imagine and then we give more. And even though we do get exhausted and burned out at times, we have no regrets and would do it all over again if we could. We feel that it is worth it. We want to give. And as a result of all that giving we become better people, because we are less self-absorbed and learn to take the needs of others into consideration.
Which is why I think that Michaels' statement is a sad testament to the increasing self-involvement of people. If she is not willing to give up her figure and fitness regimen for nine months, is she ready to have a child and truly give on so many different levels.
Obviously, that is not for me to judge. But it is a good question for pregnant woman and women with children to ponder: Do we know what is required of us as parents and are we willing to look beyond ourselves to do it? Comments, please!!